| The body finds
that one can be a "person"
The formation that is trying to emerge is not of this world.
The sense of the ego in the body has disappeared, and it results in a very strange condition, which I can barely describe.
First, the sense of limits, of the body existing as a separate entity has vanished. For instance, the sensation of bumping into "something" or of "something else" bumping into me is completely gone.
There is something permanent and unchanging, which is a kind of state of consciousness connected with the material world.
In the ordinary state, a sensation comes from a specific place in the body and is recorded somewhere in the brain. But it doesn't function like that anymore. The sensations are not really "sensations," but a certain type of vibrations coming from all around as well as from the body. And consciousness - which is diffused everywhere, with nonetheless a denser and more stable center above the head is what communicates the orders to the body (all these words are terribly clumsy; they sound foolish when I utter them).
The center above the head is where the permanent connection with the Supreme Consciousness is established. It is the center of decision as far as the body and its immediate surrounding are concerned. Curiously, it is extraordinarily imperative and powerful, though totally peaceful and still.
That's what is replacing the conscious will in driving the body, for both its internal operations as well as its external actions.
But when the former, ordinary functioning stops and is replaced by That, there is a difficult, anguished transition. The particular body part or body function is seized with panic. And some physical immobility and rest are needed to restore order.
The two conditions still coexist side by side: the true Perception and a sort of diffused and diminished memory of the old way involving many undesirable and universal habits, which are very difficult to modify.
The body is beginning to feel very clearly and accurately that the moment it senses itself as a separate entity and everything else separate from itself it falls into a hole.
Whereas when it feels the Force and the Consciousness acting, the reality of this particular material frame becomes very relative. It becomes like an instrument performing a certain task, but with the great advantage of not being separate, of feeling itself as a kind of concentration of Consciousness.
The body knows that and sees it in the smallest details.
As soon as it feels itself as "something" and the Force as "something else," there is a pain here or there, or something or other goes wrong in the body a whole complex and nasty world. Whereas when it makes a movement opposite to condensation, that is, a sort of dilatation in the consciousness, then the limits grow supple, tend to dwindle, disappear, and the pains go away. Everything becomes smooth, free from clashes and difficulties, and if the body flows in that movement, it becomes a marvel.
This body is becoming conscious in that it has acquired a vision of truth capable of perceiving the former falsehood. It perceives so clearly all the stupidities that were caused by the sense of individual separateness, even when the inner being had knowledge, when the consciousness was enlightened and there was overall goodwill. When it is in that state of clear vision, everything becomes absolutely marvelous but it doesn't last.
It cannot last mainly because of the constant contact with the world around. Even without contact, at night, for example, the body can stay one or two hours in that state, and suddenly, without explanation, it regresses to the old state. And something or other starts aching.
Life could be so marvelously simple and beautiful!
Recently, someone asked me something about "consecration." I don't remember exactly my answer, but it gave me the opportunity to look at its progression, as it were, in this body. Indeed, these notions of consecration, self-giving, surrender still imply the sense of a separate entity giving itself. And I saw, in the body's experience, that this body is on the verge of another condition, just in-between states, probably because not all its parts have reached the same level of development.
One could say that, for the body as a whole, self-giving is total, consecration is almost total in that there is active collaboration everywhere. And there is also an intense aspiration.
But from time to time, something happens, a sort of expansion in the cells, and there is no longer anything giving itself, nor any "consecration." It becomes a state, a state of intense vibration, together with a sense of absolute power even if this old rag of a body a sense of luminous and absolute power, always with a feeling of kindness and benevolence. A static state of cellular expansion, as it were, that gives the cells a feeling of eternity.
It doesn't last. It lasts a few minutes at the most.
But it returns. It returns as an entirely new condition in the body.
There is constantly, constantly the warmth, the sweetness, and the happiness of total self-giving, with an aspiration: "To be You; to cease to exist." When I am not speaking or listening or doing anything, automatically the body repeats the mantra. It is constantly in this state, night and day.
But now and then, there is this sort of fusion in which all this joyous aspiration and eagerness is transformed into a state of total immobility.
And yet it isn't immobility or eternity.
I don't know what it is, but it's "something" like that a Power, a Light, and a real Love that neither "gives" nor "receives." Something which is That, a vibration of That everywhere in this body.
To a point where the moment I leave that state, I wonder if I still have the same physical shape!
This is new in the last two days.
It comes when I am by myself, which doesn't happen too often!
Then I can melt into the joy of belonging to the Divine. And the joy of belonging entirely to the Divine suddenly induces a state in which there is no more sense of separation.
Curiously, the moment the attitude flags in the least, just a second of forgetfulness or a return to the old terrestrial habit, the body feels on the verge of dissolution. It is now aware that it exists and is held together only through the Power of the Lord, that this is not a natural law.
The impression is that the supreme Consciousness has undertaken the work of transformation of this body and is doing it thoroughly, without hesitation or comprises. The whole question is to know whether the body will withstand it. The body knows this, and is not afraid in the least. It is completely unwavering: "What You will will be for the best."
There are times when it suffers from one thing or another, and some pains are not too pleasant. But it has stopped wondering if it will last or not, if it will succeed or not. That's all finished.
There is this movement of dilatation or expansion in which all the cells feel a release, a relaxation in the supreme Light and supreme Consciousness. It feels as if the form were about to dissolve. But evidently the bodily substance has so far remained intact.
No words can truly express this condition, because I think it is new.
Yesterday or the day before, for a brief while, I experienced a consciousness in which the separate individuality had ceased to exist. Yet the principle specific to each individual persisted in the universal Consciousness.
At that particular moment, everything became so marvelous!
It lasted no more than one or two hours, but it was long enough to permeate the body.
The feeling of separation had completely vanished, but each individual's way of seeing things, as well as the specific position with respect to the action that results from that way of seeing, was preserved. It was preserved in Oneness without any separation.
The sense of separation vanishes, but this marvel of complexity remains. The impression that everything is in place, and when it's in place, everything is harmonious.
It was a revelation.
It was during the morning, and I was busy doing other things, but it didn't matter. What's wonderful is that stillness is not required for these experiences to occur. They come, and one can continue doing something else.
The feeling that this is life! This is something worth living.
The rest of the time . . . the body feels surrounded by obstacles, uncomprehending or unreceptive things. It feels it is continuously bumping into things.
Then this comes . . .
If a person could live constantly in that state . . .
Now the condition is such that when the body feels itself, is aware of being a body, it causes instant discomfort, even when it is in a state of adoration or aspiration.
Only when it completely loses the sense of its separate existence does it feel at ease.
So the normal state is silence, immobility.
When the Presence irradiates, as it were, in an activity and there is no longer the sense of a receptacle through which the Divine manifests, then everything is all right. All becomes immutable, immobile, and nonexistent, free of self-awareness, only aware of the Divine Action.
But the moment there is even the slightest sense of "a receptacle through which" the Force manifests, then the discomfort starts.
It has become a very critical condition.
I could express it in a literary way by saying that in a certain state, free of self-awareness, when only the sense of the Divine exists, there is a feeling of immortality and eternity. Whereas the least sensation of a "something through which" the Divine manifests brings in the sense of death one becomes immediately mortal again.
It is a very acute feeling.
It's quite subtle, because the sense, the perception, the feeling of "I" has completely disappeared; yet there is a "something" that is still a little different, and that's what is excruciating.
We contain countless layers of consciousness. The universal development has made it possible for each layer in turn to become conscious of itself. And the more developed we are, the more we perceive the difference among layers; only when we are conscious of all the layers of consciousness as a unity (which remains aware of its multiplicity) can the Supreme Consciousness in the depths manifest to its full extent.
But our bodies still contain layers that are not fully conscious, layers that are a residue of our past evolution: the mineral, vegetable, and animal kingdoms. The part of the cells that is fully conscious is also fully enlightened, but there is still a part that is visibly not transformed.
The problem is with that residue.
The "inner" consciousness of the cells is fully conscious, as it were, but there remains a sort of residue, like a crust.
And that difference is getting increasingly painful, far more painful than an illness, causing a feeling of anguish inside.
The only way is that the ego must go!
When, instead of "I," there is nothing left, just a vast sense of evenness in everything inexpressible in words a very stable sensation of: "What You will, as You will." Truly, the concrete sensation that this body doesn't exist; it is just being "used," as it were, and there is nothing but That.
That pressing on things.
An all-embracing, conscious immensity.
It's almost as if I could "see" it, not visually, of course. But it's so concrete, far more concrete than images the vision of this immense Force, immense Vibration that keeps pressing and pressing and pressing, and the world wriggling beneath it!
Then something inside opens up, allowing it to come in and spread upon earth.
It's the only solution.
All the rest is aspirations, beliefs, hopes. It's still superhumanity, but not the supramental.
It's still a higher humanity striving to pull its own humanity upward, but it's hopeless, completely hopeless. I have a very clear vision of all this humanity struggling to raise itself, to grasp something up above, but refusing to give itself.
It only wants to take!
But that doesn't work. It must annul itself. Only then can something else come in and take its place.
That's the whole secret.
Yes, to annul oneself to the point of disappearance.
This is the most difficult of all: to learn to disappear.