the growing sense of my own nonexistence.
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For me, the fastest way was . . . the growing sense of my own nonexistence. |
These last days, my body was crying.
In deep inward intensity, it was bemoaning, "Why, oh why does this world exist as it is?" The perception of the horror of realities in this world. Oh, it was so awful, so sad, so miserable!
But instantaneously came the Response, like an immensity opening up in the Light.
And there was nothing to say.
But HOW did That — that immensity — become this? How did that Marvel become this ugliness, this monstrosity?
I don't know.
For, after all, what is this creation?
Separation, nastiness, cruelty, the satisfaction to make other people suffer, and then illness, decay, death — destruction.
What happened?
Yet what I experienced is the unreality of these things. As if we had entered some unreal falsehood and everything disappears the moment we get out of it.
IT DOES NOT EXIST. That's what is so frightening!
What is so real, so concrete, so dreadful to us is all nonexistent! It's just that we've entered the Falsehood.
Why? How?
Never has this body in its entire life felt such encompassing and profound grief than that day.
And we all live in the Falsehood and Unreality. Escaping into Nirvana has been a temporary and partial remedy, as it were. I knew, then, that this was the exact repetition of what the Buddha Sidharta experienced, which led him to say: there is only one way out, Nirvana. But at the same time I experienced the true state — his solution and the true solution.
It was quite remarkable how the Buddhist solution appeared only as one step, and the true solution lies beyond it, not in another direction, but just beyond it.
This body had never felt anything like it before.
It was something that encompassed the horror, the dread, the grief, as well as an intense compassion! For several hours the body was in a rather precarious state.
Yet, afterward, it was as if everything came forward with a Smile and a radiant Light, as if the Lord said, "You see, I am everywhere and in all things."
It was absolutely extraordinary.
But there are no communications between the two conditions.
At one point, the body exclaimed, "What! To continue this? To continue the world, the people, this whole creation?" And I suddenly understood that this is what has been translated as "perpetual hell." Someone else must have had that same perception.
And every artificial way of getting out of it, starting with the fool who kills himself to "end" his life, and including Nirvana, is worthless. From suicide to Nirvana, all those solutions are utterly worthless. It's different levels, but it's worthless.
Then, suddenly, just as one felt stuck in perpetual hell, comes a state of consciousness where all is light, magnificent beauty, joy, and kindness.
Without the least explanation. Just like that: "Here I am!"
It shows itself, then vanishes.
Is this the lever?
I don't know.
But salvation is physical, not at all mental. I mean, it isn't found in any escape. It's HERE.
I felt that very strongly.
And it isn't veiled or concealed or anything. It's HERE.
What is it in the creation that inhibits the capability of experiencing that continuously?
I don't know.
But it's RIGHT HERE!
Last night I had a very interesting experience.
At the conclusion of a series of visions I saw a tall man in black. It probably was not a human being, but the symbol of something in my life or of people close to me, or even the symbol of what I am fighting against in this existence. I had settled in a small, roofless dwelling with a few people close to me when that black being appeared. He proceeded to tear up a huge chunk of the wall and, hovering over me, hurled it on my stomach. I felt the impact, and at the same time I heard a clap of thunder.
But I smiled and said, "He can't hurt me." It did not affect me in the least! And the tall man simply vanished.
I was wondering how come it could touch me at all, when the answer came very distinctly: It was to teach my body it could be attacked but not affected.
I felt it, but it didn't hurt me.
It was enough to crush anyone to a pulp — yet there is no trace of it!
And the body was in complete peace.
I saw the wall fall on me and felt the impact. That's what woke me up. But the body's immediate reaction was: "O Lord," with a spontaneous movement of opening and a smile, not in the least frightened. Then I looked to see if there was any damage. But in both the physical state and the vision state, the reaction was the same: quiet receptivity with a smile.
It's the proof something has really been achieved.
It has reached the point where everything that happens is perceived as the divine Will, and it is always for the best. It's only the human stupidity, the lack of comprehension, the short-term vision that makes us say, "Oh, how unfortunate!"
In fact, everything is marvelously organized.
And when the body itself knows this, then everything is fine.
A great passivity is needed for the Force to stream through rapidly and reach the body. Every time there is a need to work on one part of the body or another, it always begins with a state of absolute passivity, which is like a perfection of inertia.
It is the perfection of that which is imperfect in inertia, something that has no activity of itself. It is a state very difficult to achieve for those with a great mental development. And it is all the more difficult since the body has striven all its life, precisely, to be receptive an obedient to the mental influence.
But that's what has to be undone.
How to say this? The development through the mind's agency implies a constant, overall state of awakening — even materially. In order to receive the supreme Force, on the contrary, an absolutely conscious immobility — the immobility of sleep, but absolutely conscious — is required.
The body can feel the difference.
It feels the difference to a point where, at night, I am in that state for hours, but if after some time I fall into ordinary sleep, my body wakes up in frightful anguish!
In other words, the body has succeeded in having at the same time aspiration and immobility — complete immobility and intense aspiration. And it's only when immobility is alone without aspiration that the body is overcome with anguish, and wakes up immediately.
Yes, the body feels that the highest vibration, the vibration of the true Consciousness, is so intense that it is equivalent to the immobility of inertia. That intensity is so great that, to us, it is equivalent to inertia. I often thought it must be the supramental vibration, the true divine vibration.
It made me understand why the creation began with inertia. The goal is to rediscover that State after having gone through all the states of consciousness. To us, the whole process appears as a complete waste. But when there's a purpose behind it, it's no longer a waste.
One could almost say that the creation began with a state of unconscious perfection and must reach a state of conscious perfection, with imperfection in between.
I have the feeling of being on the verge of total comprehension. But it isn't at all mental comprehension; it is lived comprehension. The mind cannot experience that.
It feels as if the body alone — when it is receptive and open and at least partially transformed - were capable of understanding the creation.
Last night, I was lying down as usual, peacefully, and for about two hours nonstop I had the feeling of being a sort of sponge soaked in the Force.
I don't know how to say it. It came neither from "above" nor from the side, but it came in, and it went out.
I was like a pipe.
For more than an hour, the Force, of an intense golden color, kept going out and then spreading over the world.
It was the first time I felt it so physically. And it had an extraordinary power!
The body was like a pipe, but the Force didn't come from a specific direction. It's as if I were immersed in it and it kept going through me.
The body was just used as a means to touch the earth.
It came in, then went out and spread over the earth.
I saw it going toward all those who called.
Very early this morning, toward the end of the night, I lived for two hours in a clear perception of the "why" and the "how" of the creation.
It was so luminous, so clear!
Irrefutable.
That state remained at least four or five hours during the morning, after which it grew less intense because I had to see a lot of people.
Everything had become limpid! Everything Sri Aurobindo had explained about the creation appeared as consequences of the experience. Each thing was in its place and crystal clear.
For despite what Sri Aurobindo had said, certain things remained difficult to explain. For instance, the aspect of Manifestation concerned with suffering or the desire to inflict suffering to others.
But today all was luminously simple, clear, and obvious!
One could put it this way: In the Supreme is a Unity embracing all the possibilities united, without distinction. The creation is the release, so to speak, of the components of this Unity, whereby all opposites are divided, made separate. For example, day and night, white and black, good and evil, and so on. Everything together makes up a perfect and indissoluble unity.
The creation is the separation of everything that makes up this unity — what could be called the fragmentation of Consciousness as it passes from a status of unity conscious of its unity to a status of unity conscious of its multiplicity in unity.
That passage of the Consciousness is what translates for us — the fragments — as space and time.
Yet, such as we are, each fragment of that Consciousness is capable of being conscious of itself and of the original Unity.
This is the work being done. Each infinitesimal fragment of that Consciousness is in the process of recovering the original state of total Consciousness, while keeping its own state of consciousness - which eventually will result in the original Consciousness being conscious of its Unity and being conscious of the Play, the countless elements of this Unity.
For us, this translates as the sense of time: To proceed from Unconsciousness to that state of Consciousness. Unconsciousness grows increasingly conscious, as it were, in human beings who are conscious of their infinitesimal existence while at the same time becoming conscious of the original Unity.
Words are nothing. But the way in which this was seen explained everything, from the most material to the most subtle aspect of the creation.
Everything was embraced in that vision.
Separation is what continuously creates the world as it is, including suffering, happiness - everything. Even what we call "evil" is an essential part of the whole. But it would not be felt as evil the moment we are conscious of That.
And that's what needs to be done.
I had that vision — I had the vision of That.
I lived for hours in an absolute state of Glory.
Also, I noticed that my state of consciousness was in no way affected by any activity or work I was doing at the time. What did veil my state of consciousness was to see people.
This must be the supramental consciousness.
I think that's what it is.
There are no contraries. Not only are there no contradictions, but there are no contraries.
It's living in that Unity.
And it isn't translated by thoughts or words. It is the feeling of a limitless immensity . . . a motionless light, together with a sense of great well being.
Now I am convinced it was the supramental consciousness.
Yet it happened when I was materially busy: dressing up, eating breakfast, writing birthday cards. But it did not affect anything. On the contrary, I think I was doing things better than usual.
When I write cards, I usually ask who the recipient is (I know very few out of the multitude of cards I write every day). This morning, I did not have to ask; I knew what to write, automatically, without any question.
If life as it is can be lived in that consciousness, then it is lived happily!
One needs change nothing, for what has to change changes by itself, naturally.
As for my body, it had been still aware of its own needs. Not exactly preoccupied with itself, but as Sri Aurobindo said, "I feel I am still the old man." This morning I understood, because that sensation was completely gone! Even that sort of very calm and indifferent perception of what is wrong (a pain here, some difficulty there) was completely swept away!
I am not calling it back!
This is a real transformation.
One is conscious within a luminous, peaceful, eternal, all-powerful, golden immensity.
How did this come about?
The body had gone through something I won't describe, and rather than reacting in the old manner, it reacted in the true manner: It smiled. This latest difficulty is what enabled the body to conquer the last progress, to live in that Consciousness. If all had been harmonious, things would have taken years instead.
There are no words to express the magnificence of the Grace: How everything combines so things can go as fast as possible.
It's just marvelous!
And how foolish human beings are! When the Grace comes knocking at their door, they push it away, saying, "Oh, how horrible!"
They are miserable because they are not conscious of that, and they take a wrong position toward what happens to them.
Of course I've known that for a long time, but this latest experience is just . . . dazzling!
There is a certain power stemming from the connection with supramental forces which Sri Aurobindo had and which I experienced myself. It's when I used to say, "He removed an illness from people exactly as if a 'hand' picked it up and took it away."
But the original weakness wasn't cured, which caused the illness to return.
I understand how it works, because I have the very same experience now. And I realize that something else would be necessary to bring about what I call a "cure." To say it simply, one can only cure an illness if that illness is no longer necessary to the individual's development.
People are quick to speak of "miracles," but to me these are incomplete miracles!
Whenever this body experiences what I call a "change of Government," there is a sort of loss of balance, and if I am not very careful it causes pain; if I take the wrong attitude, the pain turns into an illness; but with the right attitude, the pain can disappear in a matter of seconds.
This is what I experience almost daily.
The same can be done for somebody else. But the most that can be done is to teach the person how to cure herself — but she doesn't learn! It is quite possible to give a person's body a sense of what should be done to get cured, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred it won't do it.
The general habit of covering up and repressing what is wrong or false in us prevents the cure.
It's the opposite that should be done! Instead of pushing it under the carpet, it should be offered up. The false or wrong movement must be got hold of and thrust into the Light. Generally, it tries to wriggle out and escape! But it's the only way.
What causes us to repress and push it away is the sense of good and evil, a kind of contempt and shame for what is regarded as evil, and we push it out of sight, refusing to let it exist.
The first thing to realize is that this division is caused by the disability of our own consciousness, and there is a Consciousness where none of this exists, where so-called evil is as necessary as so-called good.
If we are capable of thrusting our sensation or activity or perception into that Light, then it gets cured. Instead of repressing it as something that ought to be destroyed (it can't be destroyed), it has to be thrust into the Light.
I've had several days of a very interesting experience in that realm.
Instead of trying to reject as far away as possible those things we don't accept because they create a loss of balance in our being, we accept them, take them in as a part of ourselves — and we offer them up.
Even if they refuse to be offered up, there is a way to compel them, as their resistance is lessened in the proportion as we can lessen the sense of reprobation in ourselves. If the sense of reprobation can be replaced by a higher understanding, then it becomes easier.
Whenever I am identified with the terrestrial consciousness, I feel great waves of something so miserable, such helpless grief and despair coming over me.
It comes in waves.
In response to that, whenever I am completely quiet and motionless, the Force comes down, penetrates, and pervades everything.
That has a great action.
The atmosphere is filled with such a sense of anguish longing for an answer that sometimes it takes hours for the Force to penetrate it, but eventually it penetrates and pervades everything.
But since I still see so many people every day, I don't always have the time to do this. Otherwise, alone at night, lying on my bed, I can do it.
This is the world's anguish!
Although I do not always know the exact details of what's happening, I know how awful the world situation is! Yet people themselves are so unconscious. They are so proud of going to the Moon, while they are slaughtering each other on Earth!
The transition from Unconsciousness to Consciousness has been in progress for a very long time, but how much longer will it have to go on?
Truly, it is a horrible process.
I feel there must be either Supreme Consciousness or else unconsciousness. It's the transition between the two that's horrible. Semi-consciousness is the worst.
The sort of artificial harmony in which the body lives is almost entirely due to its pervasive unconsciousness, and the moment a modicum of consciousness enters it, it disrupts everything. If too much consciousness were to come in, it simply could not withstand it. I clearly see it.
So what would happen on a much wider scale than one body?
Several people here have fallen suddenly and unexpectedly ill. They wrote me to say they had become conscious of "something else" — something they didn't know — and it was through the disruption caused by their illness that they had suddenly caught hold of it.
Indeed, there is a very strong Action. Yet people always think that things must be all right in their terms, and so they are astounded: How come this divine Consciousness is at work, and yet there are so many troublesome or painful things happening?
They simply don't understand.
But this body understands perfectly! Not a minute did it complain. Not a second did it blame anyone else. It just said to itself: My poor little fellow, you do have a lot of this old Disorder left in you.
This morning the body received a gift.
The Lord taught this body how to be entirely His. And it was so marvelous!
During the whole night and this morning, there was an absolutely concrete demonstration, as it were, of how to be perfectly His. The body had never felt anything like that before.
Naturally, it's very conscious of all that is still "grating."
Yesterday, despite a very strong attack against it, the body was able to keep its confidence and calm certitude. And it was able to get out of the ordeal by itself, mainly during the night.
And this morning it received this extraordinary gift!
The absolutely concrete experience in the body lasted the whole morning.
It's a bit difficult to describe; words belittle the experience.
It feels like what we call "peace," but it's luminous, with such a sense of well-being and comfort — something inexpressible.
It isn't inwardly directed, but outwardly, and that's what makes it difficult to explain. It isn't within itself that the body finds its well being; it's a sort of radiating well being, in all directions.
It comes along with something that resembles certainty, in which anxiety is totally out of the question (and any question is out of the question!). But it's something more than what we call well being and certainty.
It's inexpressible.
The work in the body is proceeding apace, but it isn't easy.
There is such a strong sense that the state I found natural before is a state of absolute stupidity, and all the supports I used to count on are completely useless.
But I do make interesting discoveries!
Usually, we believe that certain things, such as certain illnesses or disorders, are serious while others are insignificant. But I am shown in an incontrovertible way that, in fact, all depends on what has been decided by the Supreme Lord, to put it simply. For the most trifling, insignificant thing, He can stop the operation of the body, while something considered irremediably serious can pass like a breeze.
This is being shown to me in very practical situations.
I go through tricky moments, because the mental convictions and constructions are no longer there to help the body. For example, mental faith is very helpful as a source of stability in the face of difficulties — but it no longer exists.
There is only Consciousness.
And Consciousness doesn't put on a show; it doesn't give you any fable or contrive a story to help you along when it's required. It is what it is, exactly, in its utter simplicity and sincerity. One knows and sees things for what they are.
The body, too, sees that all its sensations are almost always made up, that none of them really corresponds to the truth. But that doesn't really help it! Sometimes it feels quite out of sorts.
It has become so conscious of its own stupidity that its first reaction was to say: it's hopeless; the only solution is dissolution so that something else can emerge instead. But then, there is always the response of this tranquil Smile.
So it tries to keep quiet and to continue.
It has outgrown the phase of stupidity where one asks, "Why are these things the way they are?" It understands why they are the way they are. But the reasons are so extensive, so encompassing that it's difficult for the body-consciousness to remain in that state of universality all the time.
To use high-sounding words (all this is nothing but words), it's like knowing one lives in Falsehood, knowing what that Falsehood is about, knowing, during a split second, what Truth is, and yet being incapable of . . . making the necessary adjustment.
And I know the reason.
It's because there is a whole process to undergo for this Falsehood to abdicate before the Truth, to change into Truth — not in some arbitrary manner, but in the true manner. And that requires all sorts of experiences, of adjustments, which for us, here, translate as time.
It takes time. It cannot be done instantly.
Yet whenever the body becomes aware of its stupidity, it yearns and aspires for it to disappear instantly. Hence the grating.
It isn't easy.
Nothing is being indicated clearly and positively to this body; neither that the transformation is possible nor that it is impossible. It is aware of the incredible magnitude of the task — the huge difference between what is and what should be — without knowing whether it will be capable of doing it or not.
What is expected of it? It is being told loud and clear, from moment to moment. It does it, and there are moments when it can let go completely. Then everything is fine.
But there are all of life's requirements, and each thing is a problem.
In its usual state of general ignorance, when a body wants to keep on going, it accepts passively to go on as it is; whereas in its present state, this body cannot accept to remain as it is, for it knows too much what it should be.
So it needs to remain as it is without remaining as it is, if I may say.
Nothing less than total transformation is involved.
For life's very subsistence, there is this necessity to depend on something material, which naturally causes an old difficulty to return again and again.
Food is the case in point.
The cells are conscious of the divine Force and of the power it imparts, but they are also conscious that in order to endure as they are, even in their present state of transformation, they still need that extra support from outside. And every time, it means swallowing a recurring difficulty.
Everything I said about the change of functioning is increasingly valid, but there is all the rest, such as the stomach, the blood circulation, and so on.
Is it conceivable to have all these organs continue to function without deteriorating? That would mean constant progress, because only that which progresses can endure. Is this matter capable of progress?
For now, it's open to question.
All automatic functions have almost disappeared, and that has caused a great diminution in terms of capabilities.
It's being replaced by a consciousness of unprecedented power.
That's an improvement. But from an ordinary standpoint, it's obvious I am no longer capable of doing the things I used to do when I was twenty. I know maybe a hundred thousand times more than I knew, and this body itself feels and knows all that it didn't know in the past, but from a strictly material standpoint it is diminished.
Could it come back? I don't know. It's a big question mark.
Yet the body can only last provided some capabilities came back.
Would this very flesh be capable of changing through the action of the Force? Is something like that possible? We'll only know after it's done, not before!
Yet the ability to heal is there. And if that ability exists, so does the ability to overcome wear and tear; that's obvious.
To put it in simple terms, the cells are absolutely convinced that the Lord is all-powerful. But what they are not convinced of is whether He wants things to be one way or another, whether He wants the transformation to occur in a pre-existing body or by stages.
And there is an absolute refusal to get an answer.
Oh, and I know why! It's because physical matter is so lazy, to put it in a child-like manner, and if it had certainties, it would relax its effort.
Yet a moment will come when one body will be able to change enough to set an example as well as a concrete hope for humanity.
A moment will come when it will happen.
In life's normal conditions the body has a sort of stable base which allows it to feel comfortable in all circumstances; it remains neutral regardless of any activity otherwise taking place. One simply doesn't notice its existence and it doesn't need any particular attention to be in a favorable state, so to speak.
It's an instrument that works automatically.
Whereas in my present condition, the moment the body is not wholly focused on the Divine, or leaning wholly on the Divine, it becomes really miserable.
When it has no activity, it is concentrated. When I see people, it is also concentrated. All that is fine. But the rest of the time, if it happens to relax its active concentration, it becomes miserable.
Almost the entire night is spent in concentrated rest in the Divine. But now and then the body still slips into something resembling sleep, and it becomes immediately uncomfortable.
Eating is particularly difficult. It's as if each bite had to be taken consciously as an offering, in the full consciousness of the Divine, otherwise I cannot swallow.
I don't know if it is particular to this body or if all will have to go through the same process. Naturally, it is very conscious that this is a period of transition, but it's difficult.
From time to time, for a few seconds, it experiences a "sample" of what will be in the future. And that's marvelous.
It's a strange impression of being on the edge — but the edge of what? I don't know.
After I concentrate for a while, I enter a state in which the body feels a sort of — the word anguish is too strong, but it's the impression of reaching a point of a total unknown.
It's a very bizarre sensation.
What's strange is that there is absolutely no fear, no acute sensation of any kind. In fact, the feeling of a new vibration would be a more accurate description. It is so new that it causes, not exactly anguish, but a sense of the unknown.
A mystery of the unknown.
All this has nothing to do with the mind; it's the sensation induced by the vibration.
There is a keen sense that the only solution for the body is to be in a state of total surrender. In that state of total surrender, the body realizes that that vibration is not a vibration of dissolution, but something - what? The unknown. The totally new and unknown.
Sometimes it falls into panic. But I cannot say it suffers a lot. It's just quite an extraordinary sensation.
There was a time when I thought this was caused by certain influences or activities in the atmosphere around me. But it's not at all the case. It depends neither on influences, nor circumstances, nor activity; it depends on . . . something.
Indeed, the "other way" is so different that to the body it's the equivalent of death. Yet the body is not fooled. It knows this has nothing to do with what people call death.
But it's certainly a strange life.
Yes, I think this is the great adventure!
Soon I'll be dangerously contagious!
Last night, I had an experience in which I was absolutely convinced that something had happened here, in this world — maybe not in exactly the form I experienced, but in an analogous form — only to realize that nothing had happened, at least not externally.
That was the beginning of a great realization.
My body was neither asleep nor awake (it's a rather common state, these days, in which I am absorbed in a subtle physical consciousness). I was very seriously ill and I knew it was not this body that was ill, but the consciousness of this body felt all the symptoms.
It concerned an Ashram family. The father was calling for help and looking for a doctor. There were all sorts of details of an amazing precision.
Meanwhile, my body was saying to itself, "I must be identified with this person since she is receiving the doctor's care — and since I am identified with her I had better do in her everything I can."
So I concentrated and I called the forces of the Lord. And I cured her.
It lasted two hours in a very detailed way. I even saw other people watching the whole operation with keen interest to try to understand how it worked.
In other words, it all happened in a world that appeared exactly as the material world, but where people were conscious.
This morning, I expected to hear that something quite serious had happened to one of the women in that family (three women in that family are actually ill). But nothing happened!
There is only one possibility: Since it happened at night, while these people were asleep, they simply did not feel anything. But in fact, this body may just have saved a person's life.
Never before had I lived so totally in the subtle physical, fully conscious, without sleeping, for two full hours, with things as real and precise as they are here — and with the presence and action of the same psychic will, exactly as it is in this physical world.
Which proves that the difference between the two worlds is very slim indeed. There is no thickness or feeling of heaviness between them.
Therefore the connection between the subtle physical and the material physical is happening all the time, constantly: Back and forth, back and forth . . .
I could almost say that one is trying to replace the other.
It was the first time I had this experience with such clarity. Actually, it occurs every night, but it usually leaves only a fugitive impression through a detail. It's the first time I experience such a precise action.
I was so ill that I wondered if it would not leave some physical marks. But when I got up there was no trace of it!
The material physical consciousness continues its regular movement in order to maintain the stability of the whole, while being permeated by this other consciousness in a way that does not suppress it, but transforms it in the long run. It is not suppressed, but dominated — sometimes it dominates, sometimes it is dominated.
In any case, depending on the circumstances, this process of permeation can change external events.
In the long run, this permeation intends to become a replacement. The subtle physical is wearing down the separating wall, as it were, with the aim of replacing the material physical, but through transformation rather than suppression.
Seeing the two together, one realizes what a enormous work this is! The main effect is to remove fixity from the physical world, and not just fixity but brittleness: Where it now breaks, it will bend; where it now crumbles, it will flow.
All becomes flexible.
It's quite curious, but difficult to explain in words.
This body has been chosen as a field of experiment for whatever reason, maybe because of its plasticity. But the experiment is taking place.
In the past several months it began with the more subtle, and little by little it is coming to a more material realm.
Last night was quite remarkable. One could not have said: That is the subtle physical, and this is the material physical. They were amazingly intertwined. They didn't feel different, yet they are very different — maybe it's a modality of the same reality rather than a difference.
All this arises entirely from consciousness. It is a phenomenon of consciousness.
In last night's experience the body was the center of all activity and consciousness: It felt, observed, acted, decided, all at the same time, while lying there, offering up its pain.
After last night, I would tend to think that this work of permeation is going on in exactly the same way, very actively, all over the earth.
I receive letters from people describing mind-boggling experiences, not at all commensurate with their degree of intelligence or development. These experiences are very different from one another, but I know them all as experiences of the subtle physical. They describe what happened as I would describe it myself, with full knowledge. Yet they know nothing!
It's completely mystifying.
In that subtle physical consciousness things work completely differently, but any mental explanation of that work is prevented, and it's probably for the better. The consciousness is very alert to the least thing happening, but no mental description or explanation is offered. For it would immediately bring back the old way.
For example, in that consciousness none of the physical laws as we know them applies. They no longer have any meaning.
I remember, last night, seeing a certain movement and thinking, "Oh, if only we knew this, how many fears and combinations would crumble, become meaningless!" It concerned the "laws of Nature," things deemed "ineluctable." It seemed a total absurdity!
In the true consciousness all that crumbles.
Whenever people tell me they feel confronted to a sort of ineluctable fate — "This and that has happened, therefore it's an unavoidable conclusion" — my answer is always the same: If you decide it so. It is you who decide it's ineluctable!
There are times when, very oddly, both the subtle physical reality and the material reality are seen and felt at the same time.
For instance, there is a world made up of natural sceneries, such as fields, gardens and so on, which are all seen behind nets of different colors! And everything has a meaning.
Everything is behind a net — as if we all moved along with nets. The shape and color of the net depend on what's behind it. That's the means of communications.
Thank goodness, I speak to no one about this, because people would think I am going batty! For I see these things with eyes wide open, in broad daylight! For example, I am here in my room, receiving people, and simultaneously I see one scene or another, shifting and changing, with a net between the scene and myself.
That net seems to be what divides the subtle physical from the ordinary physical. What does it stand for? I have no idea. For there are no mental interpretations or explanations, no thoughts or rationalizations of any kind concerning this. And it seems intentional.
The type of sensation one has about things is also different. The way we feel in the physical realm is not there. Rather, there is either a sense of proximity, or non-communication, of indifference, with things.
And so this body is in between these two worlds, partially here and partially there.
The life of this body is a miracle.
If things were not as they are, arranged as they are, anybody else would be dead by now.
This body perceives things and people around it exactly as they are, without any mask or veil, and it says to itself, "Well, it's mainly to them that it would make a difference if I disappeared!" For they are still in the illusion that one dies because the body disappears.
Yet even the body isn't quite sure which is true! For the body, matter should be the truth — but even there, it isn't sure.
There is another way to see and feel — another way of being.
And the body itself is beginning to wonder.
It knows the old way is no longer it, and it is beginning to wonder how things will work, especially in terms of perceiving and relating to the outside world: "What will be the relationship of the new consciousness with the old consciousness in those who are still human?" All things will remain as they are, but there will be a new way of perceiving, new relations.
This new way of seeing, feeling, hearing comes in like a breath, then disappears as if it came to the fore and then retired behind a veil.
But in appearance the body is . . . shaky.
Yet, visibly, I am not ill, even if some moments are very difficult.
From time to time, the two states are present at the same time! That's when the body says to itself, "If they knew how you feel, they'd say you're completely gone!" And it laughs. The duality of the two states can become so concrete that the body moans as if it were in terrible pain while, at the same time, saying to itself, "Ah, this is bliss!" Both conditions are completely intertwined, as it were.
Clearly, this is no longer the body-consciousness as it used to be. It's on its way to becoming something else, but it's not yet there.
And I can see that if I were not given the true meaning of what happens as it happens, it would be constant agony.
It's the death of the old way.
It couldn't be withstood more than a few minutes, and yet it goes on and on and on.
My body isn't afraid.
Once or twice, the body was offered to regain its prior condition. It refused, saying, "It's either this or leaving."
For the ordinary consciousness the appearance of the body is the most important — and that will be the last aspect to change. It appears to be the last aspect to change because it is the most important, the most convincing sign.
But that's not it at all!
It's the change in consciousness - which has taken place — that is important.
All the rest are consequences.
Here, in this material world, the apparent change seems to be the most important for us, but that's because everything is upside down. When the body is visibly capable of being other than it is now, we will say: "Ah, now the thing is done."
But that's not so — the thing IS done.
This, the body, is a secondary consequence.
Yesterday or the day before I had an experience that was interesting for me because it was a first.
Someone was sitting in front of me, and I saw her psychic being extending over her by about eight inches. Her physical being was smaller than her psychic being, which dominated. And it was asexual, neither male nor female.
I don't know, maybe it is always like that, but I was particularly struck by that vision. I suddenly said to myself, "Why, of course, it is the psychic being that will materialize and become the supramental being!"
It had certain distinctive features, but they were not very prominent, except for the fact of being neither male nor female and combining, instead, both genders. It had this faint orange-like color, as if seen behind a veil.
This was very much of interest to me because that being was as if saying to me, "You want to know what the supramental being will be like? Here he is!"
There he was. It was her psychic being.
And it makes complete sense: By becoming material the psychic being maintains the continuity of evolution. This creation gives a strong sense that there is no place in it for the arbitrary, that there is a kind of divine logic behind it, not our human logic, but something far superior to our logic.
Since the mind and the vital were removed from me, the psychic being has been fully in charge of all the movements without all the complications stemming from the vital and the mind, which keep adding their own impressions and tendencies. But I had never before concerned myself with wanting to know what the psychic being would be like. And when I saw it, I understood.
I can still see it in my mind's eyes. It's as if it had red hair, except it was not really red hair, but like red hair. And it had such a refined expression, such an air of gentle irony!
It was extraordinary.
It was almost a material vision, with my eyes wide open.
Suddenly all the questions are gone and everything is becoming very simple and clear.
Since the psychic is precisely what survives us, if it materializes, it will mean the end of death. Indeed, death can only affect that which is not in the Truth, incapable of changing in the likeness of the psychic being and of becoming a part of it.
[After a month-long physical ordeal.]
I am getting better.
Very slowly.
It's the experience of the body — the body left to itself.
This little body is like a point, but it feels like the expression of a stupendous power. Yet it has no physical capacity of its own, no power of expression, nothing. And it feels rather miserable.
But it is like a concentration of such formidable power!
So much so that at times it's even difficulty to bear.
The end result of all this, even in my consciousness, is still in question.
To be sure, something extraordinary is in preparation, but I am not sure whether this body will implement it or not.
For the first time ever, the brain has been affected, in the sense that I am experiencing some uncontrolled movements. I manage to control them, but . . . it's very annoying. Because of that, I spend the nights without any sleep. I have to stay awake the whole time.
Sometimes the body feels tired, but that doesn't last. It still has a lot of energy, even strength.
The trouble is that it doesn't not know what is expected of it: Whether it is supposed to gather enough energy to recover its health and live normally or just . . . go on crumbling away.
The truth is, it is feeling battle fatigue.
The atmosphere around me is also mixed and complex.
The body believes in the possibility of prolonging life, but in these conditions it's completely absurd! It simply doesn't make sense to continue like this. The physical disorganization is intolerable. Though all the doctors agree it's quite recoverable. That's all I know.
The consciousness above the head has not budged, but the physical transmission is no longer so good. They say that can be recovered, too.
But I am constantly short of breath.
I used to take shelter in silence and concentration, for hours on end, but now these uncontrolled movements disturb the concentration, and that is the greatest difficulty of all. I could spend twenty-four hours a day in concentrated silence, but that joy has been taken away. That's the real sad part.
I have great difficulties eating.
My legs hurt.
And within those twenty-four hours there is no real possibility of rest. For so many years, maybe more than twenty years, I would lie down on my bed and withdraw into the Lord. Now it's forbidden to me, and that is the greatest ordeal of all.
If I let myself go, I would scream. But screaming doesn't relieve anything; it only makes things worse.
A couple of nights ago, I thought to myself, "Yes, this is what hell is like." I had the feeling I was all the pain of the world — all the pain of the world felt together.
This feeling must have some significance because the moment I perceived the pain in those terms, I was able to rise above it, while before I was simply overwhelmed by it. Now I feel somewhat better.
Actually, when I said that to myself, it had the character of a revelation. It was very precise and concrete. At the same time, I could feel an extraordinary protection against becoming mad — the protection of a higher consciousness, a sort of Power in control of the process, short of which its sheer intensity would make most people go mad.
But the body is still very affected.
The impression of being under a heavy weight has not left — something like a terrible anguish that prevents breathing freely.
And I am absolutely forbidden to rise above, as if I had to find something here.
I have the feeling of being thrust into a world I know nothing about, struggling and fumbling with laws I do not know, in order to affect a change of which I have no conception, either. What is the nature of that change?
When one does this in good health, as part of an active movement, it's very well and fine; but like this, in the state of physical powerlessness I am, it's terrible!
I know this is the time of the Attempt, but will it succeed? Is it destined to succeed?
I am absolutely certain the victory will be won, but has the time of victory come now? That's what I don't know.
And that's the torture.
Peace has returned.
There is now a clear disconnection between sensation and consciousness. In other words, I have been able to perceive what happened.
For one hour or two I even experienced the Ananda of the creation. It seemed so natural! And I thought to myself, "What was that aberration all about?"
I could not understand how I got there in the first place. But I didn't try to elucidate any further. Once was enough! "I certainly don't care to go back into it!" I said to myself.
Everything has returned to normal, along with the concrete perception of the divine Presence and the constant action of the Grace.
Now and then there is still a sort of anguish, something like a malaise that comes, so I make a point not to concentrate within.
I will understand later.
But early this morning I received a clue in the form of a dream.
I found myself crawling on top of a steep roof while carrying a young woman in both arms and trying to climb down on the other side! I was doing some very difficult and dangerous acrobatics, and I was doing it voluntarily and unnecessarily.
This young person was impotent, incapable of moving on her own, with incomplete or powerless limbs. She had a very conscious, very pretty face, and I found her quite charming. She was very sweet, with a lovely consciousness, and I was very fond of her.
Naturally, all this is symbolic.
So I said to myself, "Why do I put myself through all this? Is it really necessary?" And I decided to stop: "Enough with the acrobatics."
I woke up and returned to my normal waking state.
It was a dream, but it was not a dream. Actually, it was an activity, and all my muscles, my nerves, and my will were tense in my sleep.
And this morning I said to myself, "That's so typical of you!" I was doing extremely difficult, almost impossible things without any effort — but also unnecessarily. There was no reason to do these things.
It left me wondering.
Probably the sense of difficulty in the work stems from some stupidity on my part.
Yet, consciously, I am always saying, "What You will, Lord. What You will."
But my body must still have a pattern of unnecessary exertion.
There is still a mixture: From time to time that sense of anguish and malaise comes back, and I clearly see it has to do with patterns in the being left over from past.
A great change has evidently taken place, yet the state of consciousness seems to be the same as before.
In any case, the nightmare is over.
There is an impression that, before nature is ready to enter the new creation, it had to experience everything of the old creation, completely and entirely, and that was the missing piece.
It was truly frightening. I saw myself praying for all that to cease to exist in the world. If I could have purged the world of that by going through those days of horror, then it doesn't matter at all and I don't mind.
For a while, the lower part of the left leg, from the knee down to the heel, had gone dead, paralyzed. It is just starting to come back to life.
I also had an intestinal ulcer, but that didn't last long. It was more serious, but it didn't last.
But what tied me down was this leg. One becomes totally helpless. Even now I need someone to hold me up.
And it was not an innocent paralysis! For at least three weeks, I was in continuous pain, night and day, nonstop. It was as if everything were torn out of me.
I am not in the habit of complaining, but I felt like crying out loud all the time. Now the pain is bearable and the body has resumed a somewhat normal existence.
What is remarkable is that the consciousness above the head has grown stronger and stronger, clearer and clearer. I went on working, not only for India, but for the world.
As for the transformation, what I had called the "change of Government" went on methodically and continuously, but with some apparent impairment and the capacities of the body greatly diminished for a while. The leg was ice cold; something had stopped the circulation.
But the general consciousness above the head, what could be called the universal consciousness, didn't budge an iota. It remained there all the time.
Basically, all that time was used to work on the consciousness of the physical being.
It appears as if this physical being were being prepared for another consciousness, because in certain situations its attitude and its reactions are entirely different. I went through a stage of total indifference in which the world meant nothing. Then, gradually, a new kind of perception emerged.
I am right in the middle of it.
I have noticed how the so-called catastrophes or calamities or difficulties come just at the right moment to help you — right when they are needed to help you. In truth, everything in the physical nature that still belonged to the old world with its habits and ways of being couldn't be handled in any other way than this: by illness.
I have very much changed, even in character, in comprehension, in the vision of things. There has been a whole rearrangement.
For quite some time I was absolutely inaccessible because I was in constant pain. It was the problem of the whole world — a world that was nothing but pain and suffering and a great question mark: WHY?
I tried every possible remedy: changing pain into pleasure, suppressing the capacity to feel, thinking about something else. I tried all the "tricks." Not a single one worked.
There is something in the physical world as it exists which is still closed off to the Divine Vibration.
And that "something" is what causes all the trouble. The Divine Consciousness is simply not perceived. There are scores of imaginary things (but very real to the sensation) that keep existing, while That, the only thing that's true, is not perceived.
I think something has been achieved from a general standpoint. It wasn't just the difficulty of one body or one person. I think something has been achieved in terms of preparing matter to receive in the true way.
It's as if matter had been receiving incorrectly before, but it has learned to receive in the true way.
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